I wish I had been as in tune with my body as a young girl as I am today as a 61-year-old woman. Back then, when I was 16, I developed an eating disorder that eventually became bulimia. A word like a guillotine. Even today. Bulimia is so associated with shame that sufferers don't talk to anyone about it and use ingenious methods to conceal their actions for years. Typical for this illness is that you have little self-esteem and a distorted self-perception.
When I look at photos from back then, I see a cheerful 16-year-old teenager with an almost perfect figure. From the outside, no one could see my inner struggle.
Celebrities such as Lady Diana, Lady Gaga, Geri Halliwell, Jessica Alba, Lenny Kravitz and Jane Fonda, among others, suffered from binge eating, which often alternates between binge eating and anorexic phases. For every 1,000 girls and women, an average of 28 will develop a binge eating disorder, 19 bulimia and 14 anorexia in the course of their lives. Many eating disorders occur in a mixed form. But this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Most disorders go unrecognized. Those affected do everything they can to cover up their illness. Because it is embarrassing and disgusting. And that's exactly why I want to tell my story here. Because silence doesn't help. Talking about it, sharing it, looking for solutions together helps.
As a child, I was an asparagus. When I got my first female curves at 14, I was overwhelmed. I no longer knew my body and felt strange in it. It became more and more of a shell that I had to tighten and optimize in order to be loved. As I couldn't give up food completely or only on a daily basis, I thought that vomiting was the solution. So I tortured and controlled my body for years in order to conform to a crazy ideal of beauty. I thought I was only lovable if I was perfect.
Then there was the separation of my parents when I was 15. My mother suffered a breakdown and I slipped into the role of listener and provider for my mother. I was alone with my own grief because I had to function for my mother and my soul was starving. I tried to alleviate my suffering with binge eating. But of course that only helped in the short term. Ashamed of my loss of control, I vomited.
I fluctuated between excessive eating, vomiting and starving myself for days on end.
I banished the word bulimia from my head. It was too horrible. After the vomiting, I got lost in the illusion that everything would be fine now. Until my reality caught up with me again. A constant up and down of emotions.
For ten years, I tortured my body and soul by alternating between iron discipline, punishment and derailment. I counted and controlled each
For ten years, I maltreated my body and soul by alternating between iron discipline, punishment and derailment. I counted and controlled every calorie. Sometimes I only ate one apple a day, but even that felt like too much. Then there was manic-intensive sport. Five times a week, two to three hours of work-outs. During this time, I studied and modeled on the side. I was slim and well-trained. I don't think anyone would have thought that there was a lonely soul living under this supposedly perfect shell.
It took years - also thanks to a number of self-help seminars - before I understood the causes of my bulimia and was able to overcome it. But it wasn't until I was 27, with my first pregnancy, that I managed to draw a line under it. I began to heal with my growing belly.
Now the focus was on my growing life. Over the next nine months, I made peace with the fat woman inside me that I was so afraid of. I realized that there were more important things in life than pleasing. I realized: I am already lovable the way I am and I don't have to do anything for it - especially not conform to any ideal of beauty.
I gave myself permission to eat whatever I wanted from then on. I had completely lost that feeling. In my head, there were only good and bad foods. The good ones were, of course, those whose calorie content was close to zero.
It was a feast! I ate and enjoyed everything I had forbidden myself for years and accepted that I would gain weight as a result. I actually put on a few kilos, but then the miracle happened! I lost weight. My cravings disappeared and I felt hungry and full again.
I was finally able to let go of all the inner torment and self-doubt and throw myself into the fullness of life with my little daughter. My pregnancies and the experience of bringing life into the world grounded me. Like a tree, I put my roots into the ground.
To overcome my bulimia, I had to learn to love myself and understand that a body is not just a body, but needs to be filled with acceptance, generosity, love and gratitude. Only then is it truly beautiful, no matter what shape or form it comes in. Only then will the soul be full.
Let's try to pass this message on to our daughters...
What is your story?
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What are the causes of bulimia?
Bulimia is a serious eating disorder, The causes of bulimia are complex and can vary from person to person.
In addition to psychological factors such as low self-esteem, perfectionism, depression and difficulties in dealing with emotions and stress, social media also increases the social pressure.
Today, it is also assumed that biological factors play a role, such as a genetic predisposition o neurochemical imbalances in the brain, especially in relation to serotonin, a neurotransmitter associated with mood and appetite.
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Contact points for eating disorders:
Bundesverband Essstörungungen e.v.
Andreas Schnebel
T: 0152 - 58 85 07 64
Federal Center for Health Education
T: 0211- 89 20 31
ANAD
089 - 21 99 73-0
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Was sind die Ursachen für Bulimie?
Bulimie ist eine ernsthafte Essstörung, Die Ursachen für Bulimie sind komplex und können von Person zu Person variieren.
Neben psychologischen Faktoren wie geringes Selbstwertgefühl, Perfektionismus, Depressionen und den Schwierigkeiten im Umgang mit Emotionen und Stress verstärkt auch Social Media den gesellschaftlichen Druck.
Heute nimmt man auch an, dass biologische Faktoren eine Rolle spielen, wie eine genetische Veranlagung oder neurochemische Ungleichgewichte im Gehirn, insbesondere in Bezug auf Serotonin, einem Neurotransmitter, der mit Stimmung und Appetit in Verbindung steht.
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Anlaufstellen für Ess-Störungen:
Bundesverband Essstörungungen e.v.
Andreas Schnebel
T: 0152 - 58 85 07 64
Bundeszentrale für gesundheitliche Aufklärung
T: 0211- 89 20 31
ANAD
089 - 21 99 73-0
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